This will document my journey to discovering Alex. An alias which I have taken on in some forms of life while still living as my birth name in others. I am trying to discover the best label to fit me and the steps that I need to take to be most comfortable in life. I may not be the best writer but by looking back at these past posts I will hopefully discover what it means to be me.
My transition to Alex started not to long ago. At the end of 2011 I had decided that something was definitely up. I wasn’t just some girl with issues. The real beginning of my transition started in February of 2012. I had moved away from my mother; into my grandmothers house. She was on a two month vacation and I buckled down and bought my first binder. That was the first physical step I took and one that I won’t take back. That feeling of the first time binding is wonderful and relieving (well after you almost die from trying to put the damn thing on the wrong way).
Before that I had been seeing various therapists at the demand of my mother not kicking me out of the house. Let’s just say they were a waste of her time and money. The thing about therapy is if you are not ready and willing for it don’t bother. Even if you are ready for it the therapist may not think you are and just fuck with you to take your money. That was the case of the first one I opened up to. I came out as transgender FTM to her. I had been seeing her at a Developmental Disabilities due to me not giving a fuck about therapy at first and so not speaking which caused the first few therapists to think I had some mental problems. Well she wanted me to start seeing her at another office in the hospital. Little did I know that each appointment would be $90+ dollars after insurance and after over six months of that I had nothing from her. No letters No nothing.
She wanted me to get a job first to fund my transition. Okay that made sense. I wanted a letter to start hormones. Little did I know at the time that I didn’t need a letter for that. But the bitch sure was good about not telling me about it. She was more focused on me having a job and hanging out with non-existent friends. (okay I might have what appears to be issues to the normal everyday person) It got to be about October of 2012 and she finally wanted me to take a test to understand me better. Six months later and now you want to understand me??? Keep in mind I don’t open up well in the first place. I’m not an open book and will never be so people can’t expect to just chat with me and get all the answers. I answer things short and as little detail as I can. It is an automatic reaction and not something that is easily changed. I don’t particularly want to seeing as people that are like that disgust me.
So I took this test. I later found out it was a personality test, that I had schizoid personality disorder, and that I was out $600. All of that and no one bothered to tell me it was the determining factor in if I was ready for surgery. Okay it was the beginning of my transition and I wasn’t aware I had to come fully read up on the subject of who what where why how of all the surgery details. Needless to say it was a waste of money. Also due to the diagnosis she wanted me to retake the test in a year to see if it develops into a form of Schizophrenia. Yeah sorry tester bitch your not getting another $600 from me. If I start seeing things that aren’t there maybe I will consider going back – probably not. After that I stopped seeing the therapist.
Fast forward to spring of 2013. I decided that I didn’t want the hormones any more. Go figure it was probably a good thing she didn’t give me the letter. She could of also kept my respect by just saying to take some time off and think hard about what you really want instead of paying her for over six months. I didn’t speak of this to anyone as I don’t share my personal business with people, its personal.
Now it is summer and the boobs are quite painful. They even kept me awake one day in immense pain. It comes and goes and I could feel nothing for weeks. It was shortly after the pain that I decided to get top surgery as soon as possible. I read up on surgeons and others accounts of it and have been getting prepaired for it. By January I will have enough for surgery. The problem is that I am having a hard time getting a letter. I have seen two different therapists since then. The first one thought all my issues steamed from my mother and that any trans issues wouldn’t be addressed until afterwards. After asking advice of my transbuds over on Susans I cancelled my next appointment with her and never went back. The second one demanded a minimum of six months of therapy and from the first appointment thought that because I’m in the middle that it could be body dysmorphic disorder and if that was the case she wouldn’t write me a letter due to “not believing in changing your body for those reasons”. So that meant I could waste months of money and get no letter. I didn’t even bother to schedule a second appointment with her.
Now I currently stand at trying to get a letter or find a surgeon that will take me without one. I did find a Dr. Steinwald in Illinois who does top surgery on informed consent but that will take travel and hotel expenses into account. I would really like to get it done locally with Dr. Medalie in Ohio but the letter is key and I’m coming up dry.